shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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