R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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