You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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