I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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