she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
