I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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