I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
