I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
