Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
