she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
