clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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