I accidentally had phone sex last night
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize