I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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