It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
