I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
