May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
