I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
