I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
