Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
