Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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