I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
