drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
