Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize