Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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