Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
