Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
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