I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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