I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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