I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
