Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
