Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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