Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
