Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
