You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
