Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
