This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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