D3 body, D1 cock
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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