I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize