Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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