Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize