He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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