This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
