from now on my penis is your penis
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
