census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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