I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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