But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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