i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
