so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
