fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she looked like the before picture.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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