I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
