fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
