Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
