Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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