look no pants
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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