There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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