I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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