I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
