great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
