One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
