your thong is hanging out like whoa
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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