Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize