1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
