im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
