Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
